I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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