Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My balls are so social today.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
