Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
