Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
