walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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