bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You ruined the universe
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize