I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
