Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
