i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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