My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
