I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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