i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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