never play flip cup with pint glasses
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
