so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
