so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
