I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
