I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
