so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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