this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Im part way to drunk.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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