She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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