and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
