I wish I could teleport
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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