i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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