I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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