So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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