it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
