Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
