we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
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I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
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Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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