Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Fuck appropriateness.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
