He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
