What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
