This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
