how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
