You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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