Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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