you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Do you remember whose house we're in?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
