Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
