I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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