Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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