She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
