Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
