I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
