How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
