member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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