Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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