Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
