she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
