i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
love makes seman taste better
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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