What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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