My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
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He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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