Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
