I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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