Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
