If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
