You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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